Alexandra getting a haircut

Lazy river, carrolton tx with lora aiden and cal.

Hole in my heart

Today I was remembering when Samantha was in the RRNICU at about 4 weeks old. We would sit and stare into each others eye's. Some of Hannah's toys have black and white designs on the bottom. Samantha had a little black and white target in her bed. The nurses said she was so alert and always looking around so they put something in there for her to look at. A few days before she died they had to do an EKG. They were worried about an innocent murmur they heard. The nurse stroked her head the whole time and Samantha didn't make a peep. She loved it. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the NICU and sit in the chair where we spent time together. Of course there are many different places we spent time at two different hospitals, but they were all so special to me. When we opened the bag of things that were sent home with us when Samantha was transferred the second time, it was amazing how the smells immediately brought back the feeling of holding her. The way she snuggled and the way she looked at me with those piercing eyes.
Sometimes I try to avoid anything that will remind me that she's really gone. Like driving by St. Davids. LIke looking at pictures of myself pregnant. So blissfully ignorant of my fate. And other times I cling to every little detail and I try to remember to write it down so that I will never forget her tiny little fingers. I used to stand next to her incubator during the times I couldn't hold her. I put my left hand cupped on her head and my right hand with my thumb in her hand. I just stood there touching her.
I didn't take anything of hers to the hospital. I wanted so much to hold my breath and get through the NICU period. And now I am nostalgic for each moment. Trying to capture and preserve each memory. I wish with all my heart I could go to the NICU now and see her. The moments I thought were the worst in my life turn out to be the most precious and fleeting.
That empty car seat. The second crib. The extra sets of clothing. I had twins only for 5 weeks, but I will always be the mother of twins.
It feels so good to talk about her. To remember her. I miss her so much. Im gonna go kiss Hannah.