My new normal

I saw these sleepers and it really expressed how I feel all day every day.  This empty sleeper and the hole in my heart.  I see the space where Samantha should be.  I sold the stroller, returned her clothes, returned the second car seat and I'm working on getting rid of the crib.  But that hole is still there aching like crazy.  I started crying when I saw Haloween costumes.  I'm not sure I can handle the holidays this year.   I feel like our Christmas card should be something like this picture.  Sweet baby Hannah and an emtpy space where my sweet baby Samantha should be.   I still can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. I can hardly bear the pain.  My girls help me with the joy they inspire.  I just have to adjust to my new normal.

Alexandra getting a haircut

Lazy river, carrolton tx with lora aiden and cal.

Hole in my heart

Today I was remembering when Samantha was in the RRNICU at about 4 weeks old. We would sit and stare into each others eye's. Some of Hannah's toys have black and white designs on the bottom. Samantha had a little black and white target in her bed. The nurses said she was so alert and always looking around so they put something in there for her to look at. A few days before she died they had to do an EKG. They were worried about an innocent murmur they heard. The nurse stroked her head the whole time and Samantha didn't make a peep. She loved it. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the NICU and sit in the chair where we spent time together. Of course there are many different places we spent time at two different hospitals, but they were all so special to me. When we opened the bag of things that were sent home with us when Samantha was transferred the second time, it was amazing how the smells immediately brought back the feeling of holding her. The way she snuggled and the way she looked at me with those piercing eyes.
Sometimes I try to avoid anything that will remind me that she's really gone. Like driving by St. Davids. LIke looking at pictures of myself pregnant. So blissfully ignorant of my fate. And other times I cling to every little detail and I try to remember to write it down so that I will never forget her tiny little fingers. I used to stand next to her incubator during the times I couldn't hold her. I put my left hand cupped on her head and my right hand with my thumb in her hand. I just stood there touching her.
I didn't take anything of hers to the hospital. I wanted so much to hold my breath and get through the NICU period. And now I am nostalgic for each moment. Trying to capture and preserve each memory. I wish with all my heart I could go to the NICU now and see her. The moments I thought were the worst in my life turn out to be the most precious and fleeting.
That empty car seat. The second crib. The extra sets of clothing. I had twins only for 5 weeks, but I will always be the mother of twins.
It feels so good to talk about her. To remember her. I miss her so much. Im gonna go kiss Hannah.

First Pool Visit of the Summer

It was a beautiful day. I have to admit that since it was Hannah's first trip to the pool it was bittersweet as so many things are now. But we thoroughly enjoyed having our girls play. Don't worry we were very careful to sunscreen Alexandra and to keep Hannah out of the sun except for a few minutes when we went into the pool. We went house hunting again yesterday. Hopefully soon we will find the one.
I have begun uploading the baby pics to flickr. If you want to see them just click on our flickr bar on the side and you can see the ones I have put up. I am trying to catch up. There are some great ones of the babies in the NICU. And some good ones of Alexandra while we were in the NICU.
Hannah has recently become a lot more reactive. We love to sit and stare at each other making faces. Samantha and I used to do that when we were in the RR NICU around 5 weeks. Im glad I got to do that with her. Of course its a lot different with Hannah because she is smiling and making cooing sounds. Oh the sounds she makes are amazing! And her pretty little expressions while we "talk". I almost thought I heard a laugh. I need to look up when teething starts because I see some little white bumps on her lower gums and she seems more fussy than usual the last couple of days. She really wants to nurse all day. It's kind of hard to do that... but it does seem to make her happy.

Moving On... but not really

I havent posted since the funeral because I felt like it symbolized the way my heart is stuck on March 12. I often relive the events of that day. I sometimes wish I could say that life won't go on. But it does. And with it the joy and beauty that is my family. Hannah is still cuddly and sweet and Alexandra is still adorable and exuberant. No matter what I do the sun rises and my girls and my wonderful husband love me and I love them. I miss Samantha more than the depths of the ocean. My heart aches and yearns for her every day. But I also know that I only get to live life once. Samantha wouldnt want me to stop living to prove how much I love her. She doesnt need that.
I think I am ready to start sharing my life again. I may start a separate blog for Samantha. For now I just want to share our life again.

Funeral Arrangements

The hospital provided a nice room for us to have some privacy while we waited for the surgery to be done. Around 11:00 the team came in and the surgeon knelt down to inform me that she did have NEC totalis, which meant her whole intestine had died and she would not recover. There was nothing they could do.
We got to spend almost an hour with her talking to her and holding her. She was sedated to keep her comfortable. Samantha Lily is a very special little girl who will be in our hearts forever.

Samantha Johnson passed away Friday March 12th at 12:07pm. The arrangements are:

- Monday March 15th: Beck Funeral Home, 15709 RR 620 Austin/ Round Rock (512-244-3772). Visitation: 6:00pm – 8:00pm, Liturgy and Rosary 7:00pm.

- Tuesday March 16th: St. Vincent DePaul Catholic Church, 9500 Neenah Avenue, Austin, TX (512-255-1389), 10:00am Funeral Mass.

- Tuesday March 16th: Our Lady of the Rosary Cemetery, Georgetown, TX 3.7 miles East of I35 on Highway 29. Burial immediately following the Funeral Mass.


www.marchofdimes.com
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